As a matchmaker and dating coach, it is important to be in touch with the REAL world of the single professional female. I need to understand firsthand, what my clients are experiencing. With schedules crammed with meetings, travel and just keeping the balance, many singles have begun searching for their match online. In an effort to see how things have changed over the last 9 years since I gave it a go, I embarked on an investigative journey to see what it is like to search online for love as a woman at age 39-45.
Over the past 365 days, I have lived online in under the name of "Eve_E92673." I netted Plenty of Fish, and been given my Daily 5 on Match.com. After screening over 100 men by e-mail, I went on over 50 coffee dates. Why only 50, you ask. I can get into the practical process of sorting, screening and querying later. Just know, that you need to make some choices based upon e-mails to see who will make the cut. Suffice to say, I have a class on this...but for now, read on for the highlights of what stood out. Some of what I have learned may surprise you...even shock you!
Let's just get this out of the way...
Some Headshots are Unrealistic: Most of the men and I met looked even BETTER in person than online. I say "most." Remember, I screened heavily before meeting anyone face-to face. Some of the men I met did have professional shots done. In some cases when the shot looked too soft, I...that is "Eve_E92673" asked for a shot to be e-mailed in natural light. Tip: We all have lines and have been in the sun. Just be realistic and be proud of the real you! There is nothing worse than meeting someone in REAL life and having them look years older than their photo.
Just Like Fine Wine...We Age: Yes, I did run into the occasional "I have to be straight with you before we met, I am several years older than I stated." This only happened twice during my research. Once, I caught it before we met. The other time...SURPRISE! I felt like I was meeting his older brother.
The Reality: I was amazed about the...
Quality: I had the most positive experience meeting many articulate, educated and genuinely wonderful gentlemen! 100% of the men I shared coffee with were down to earth, professional go-getters. Ladies, there are some amazing men online!
Quantity: I was very surprised at the number of successful, quality, relationship ready men who are online. The men I met remarked about how they grew tired of the bar scene, are busy building their portfolio and have not met women through their usual social circle.
Success...at last!
We have all known of someone who has met their match online. I cannot tell you how many times I have asked newly engaged couples how they met. I hear two things: at a friends party or online. I for one can attest to that, as I met my husband online on Match.com over 8 years ago. You see, this is why I have dedicated the next half of my life helping singles find their life partner.
Online "matchmaking" works! Just remember to use your filter when searching. Look at the process as an opportunity to meet people who would not normally pass through your world. Do not expect to meet Mr. Right the first time out. It takes patience, a tight screening process, and a positive attitude. Give it a shot and who knows? You just might be surprised and find that "hidden gem."
Do you want to learn more? Go to my free "Online Dating Success Strategies" audio session. http://www.blogtalkradio.com/cassistjames/2009/07/27/online-dating-strategies-for-success
You had a great date. You were "feeling it." Chemistry was in the air and you KNOW it was mutual. He looked so much better than his photos. That was a FIRST! The kiss goodnight. His promise to get together again lingers in your mind as you watch his headlights disappear into the night...and then. He is gone.
The Next Night: The memory of that great date makes you think "he could be the one." He must have felt it too. You even saw his eyes glimmer when you said "he was exactly what you were hoping for." So why hasn't he called? He said he wasn't into games and he wanted a relationship. His profile even said so! Maybe he is just taking it slow. He doesn't want to seem so eager. How sweet. I think I could love him. Just to check in on him, you go online to Match and see if he has logged in. No activity for 24 hours. Humm...a good sign.
Three Days Later: You look at your cell phone in disgust, press the buttons and check to see if you have any messages...even texts. You hate texts from a guy this early on, but at this point, you'll take anything. Nothing. *$#!@ "He was a liar, a fake! Let me call my girlfriend later and get her take on this. " You reach over and pour another glass of wine and start to review the evening for the 100th time in your head. "Maybe I shouldn't have told him about that stint in rehab" You log into Match. He has been online today! Maybe he was just checking to see if YOU were online. You quickly log off , take a gulp of wine and call your girlfriend for advice.
The End of that Week: He said he travels for work, hits the gym 7 days a week and golfs on Saturdays. Yes, he keeps himself busy, but REGARDLESS, he should have at least found a minute to call. You have decided that he was an absolute *$#!@ and in fact...all men are *$#!@ Suzanne thinks so too! You log onto Match, check his status. YES, he has been online that day. No surprise there. You hide your profile and contemplate quitting your membership, and retire from dating altogether.
Coach Cassi's Advice to Play Your Cards Right!
You can't take responsibility if he decides not to call. It is difficult to tell what is on his head after just one "offline" date. All you can do is control what you can; your actions and your thoughts. Here are just a few things to consider to keep the odds stacked in your favor...
Don't show your cards too early - Keep a "poker face" and try to be calm on your first date. It may take him a few more dates with you to really "feel it." Sharing too much personal information is like rushing to the end of a book before you read each chapter. It is out of context.
Watch his Discards - Listen to what he is saying, and not saying during the evening. Does he say balance is important to him and yet he is excessively busy? Does he say he values family, yet hasn't seen his in over a year? Try to look for clues as to who he REALLY is. Many people can create a fabulous profile, but are they living it?
It takes several hands to win a game - Try to have several first dates or meetings on your schedule. You will then have several choices and if one does not work out, you always have another to consider.
My good friend was just on the ABC show Dating in the Dark, a reality show that eliminates looks as a factor in our dating choices.
The premise is reasonable. Get 3 women and 3 men in an environment where they can interact with one another in a dark room. Who they are on the inside becomes the primary aspect of attraction.
How is this experiment set up? The men and women are in separate teams. To learn more about each potential match, each team explores their cars, and rummages through personal toiletries and has several rounds of one-on-one mini-dates. In the end, each person chooses their ultimate partner and crosses their fingers that the feelings are mutual.
In the episode I viewed, one female participant said that after getting to know her match in the dark, his looks did not matter. A male participant with above average looks and in top shape wanted to be on the show because he felt he was liked only for his looks and that looks played a big part in his dating choices. In the end, he chose a fuller figured girl with an excellent personality and a good heart.
Contrived? Yes. But the point is well taken. We often base so much on looks, that we literally ignore important aspects of mutual compatibility. Aspects such as core values, lifestyle, future goals are pushed aside for a great face and body...not to mention money.
We all know that undeniable chemistry is a must! Someone may possesses all of the attributes you require in a life partner but there may be no connection. There needs to be balance, of course. My point is, make sure that all of the buckets are equally weighted when evaluating potential partners: values, personality, lifestyle, religious beliefs and yes of course, physical attraction.
Do you know what you want in a life partner? Can you identify your "must have" criteria and deal breakers ? Contact me for a complimentary coaching session so you can become empowered to make more conscious dating choices! Send your e-mail to mailcassi@cassistjames.com and mention "Dating in the Dark" in the Subject line.
Newport Beach is the top U.S. city for the rich and unattached to call home, according CNN Money Magazine's nationwide rating of 100 best places to live.
The magazine rated Newport Beach No.1 as the best place to live for wealthy singles, with 30% of the population unattached and the average household income almost at $145,000, based on U.S. Census data and Onboard Informatics 2009 projections.
Irvine came in No. 5 on the list with 31% single and average income at $133,000.
However, although Newport may be awash with wealthy bachelors and bachelorettes, it doesn't mean that dating in the city will be any easier for anyone no matter how much money a single person makes.
"The more money that you make and the more independent and stable you become, then the less willing you are to compromise your values and settle for someone less than what it is you want [in a partner]," Louie Felix, CEO of Elite Personal Search, a Costa Mesa-based one-on-one dating service that caters to average income and high-end clients nationwide.
And equal, if not greater, income is often on people's list of criteria in potential mates. However, often isn't always, Felix said.
"If we feel someone is a really strong match, we will introduce them," Felix said of individuals with large differences in personal income.
"People know more about what they don't want than what they do want," he said. "We tend to have to challenge [clients] to re-think about what it is they really want."
The high standards of wealthy singles may correlate to Newport's population of divorced individuals: 13%, which is higher than the average rate — 8.4% — of the Money Magazine's 100 best places to live.
And Newport residents are looking for love at later stages in their lives. The median age reported in the U.S. Census is 43, which correlates with the age of the average dater, Felix said.
Mary Ann Kilgore, who runs Diamond Introductions, a matchmaking service out of San Clemente, also confirmed that her average client was in his or her 40s.
For many professionals, managing their career takes up too much time to have a relationship, resulting in more wealthy singles, she said.
"Another reason: Many women who married younger now find that they have their own lives and careers and are looking to make smarter dating choices," Kilgore said. "Or the ones who were entirely career-focused while they were younger are now finding that their careers are terrific but that their love life could use a boost."
The city also may be a hub of wealthy single activity because of its popularity as a place to live for young relocating business executives, she said.
"The way the coastal area is portrayed on TV makes it appear a very appealing place to live," she said. "And to live on the coast, it means you have to have the money to do so."
Dale Carnegie's Principals of Charm
Regardless of my clients gender, level of financial success and physical attractiveness, when asked the question "What makes someone attractive to you?" the response was very similar. Below is a list of what was in common with the 25 single men and women I interviewed over the past few months.
Click to read full article.
Are you feeling stuck in a relationship or unable to break your old dating patterns? Join me for this powerful seminar that will give you the motivation and courage to make powerful changes so you can start living a life that you love and attract your ideal partner. This changed my life and it is my free gift to you!
Key words, Life Focus, Ideal Partner, Visioning, healthy dating
Podcast
http://tinyurl.com/23yowhh
PDF Article
http://www.cassistjames.com/envision_your_future
The Real Housewives of Orange County show and the franchise has taken off like a storm. What is it that intrigues us with the Real Housewives of New York, Atlanta, New Jersey, etc? The answer for me is simple: I see a little bit of myself in all of these women!
The Real Housewives of Orange County for example are all on a quest to be financially successful, to have an identity, to be beautiful, to be thin, to be eternally young, to be looked upon as being a good person, and to meet the expectations of others.
Admit it. We are a lot like the women in The Real Housewives. Aren't all women in a struggle to live up to the expectations of others AND be true to themselves? Is this possible, or is striking a balance a reality that we can achieve?
What would a Real Housewife or Orange County, Atlanta, New Jersey or New York be like if she were to find that balance? Here are just 12 things she would realize if she were to find that balance in her life:
A Real Housewife would:
1. Maintain a healthy attitude about money.
2. Get over past relationships and not angry.
3. Discover her strengths and leverage them!
4. Let go of what she cannot change.
5. Embrace her imperfections!
6. Know that a smile is the best makeup!
7. Surround herself with nature.
8. Become "others" focused.
9. Dress with class and not follow trends.
10.Use injectable fillers sparingly.
11. Be truly and happy for others and not jealous.
12. Maintain a healthy weight and refuse to starve!
Let coach cassi help you to rediscover yourself and build a strong personal foundation so you can be the BEST YOU possible.
Become a Real Woman of Orange County, DC, Atlanta or New Your Today through our convenient tele-classes!
Classes starting on November 1st
www.cassistjames.com/group_coaching
